I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
