he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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