I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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