i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
