If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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