The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
