My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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