had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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