normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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