I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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