Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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