Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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