does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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