i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
