tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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