There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
