when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
