You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
