it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
