I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
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