I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
