yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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