happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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