I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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