i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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