Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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