Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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