you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
