I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
