I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
