and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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