he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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