just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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