an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
