Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
