The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
