***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
