We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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