Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
