Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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