New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
