Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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