Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
