Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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