Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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