No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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