At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
