I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
