I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
