I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
